Random Tip for the Blind #77: When purchasing something from iTunes, make the effort to zoom in and check that you are ordering what you actually intended to order or you might end up with something MORE embarrassing than the embarrassing thing you were downloading int he first place!
So now I'm going to have to admit to the world that I did something I'd rather not admit to the world... I paid for 50 Shades of Grey. And I read it. And it is now tied with The DaVinci Code for most poorly written work of fiction I have ever wasted my time with. Actually, I'm going to put it right out there and say that it was actually worse than TDC because as far as I can remember, Dan Brown didn't explain what the big words meant after he used them. Although, you'd be hard pressed to actually find any big words in TDC...so, yeah, no, they're still tied.
Anyway, when I originally looked for it to download, I didn't really know what I was looking for or who the author was. So I found what I thought was the book, read the first two pages, texted a friend and asked if the story took place on an airplane, found out it doesn't, thought to myself, "that's odd," and went in search of the correct version. Found it. Read it (skipping over large chunks because I couldn't take the insipid whining of the inner goddess). Tried not to alienate everyone I know who loved it. (P.S. I hope you girls still love me after this!!). And moved on.
Fast forward to this summer when discussing books with Diana. She asked what I could recommend so I took a look at my ebookshelf to refresh my memory. Steinbeck, Tina Fey and... What's this? Fifty Shades of... Gay?? Well THAT explains those first two pages I read a few years ago! According to Amazon "Sexy Alpha Jude Kinsalle is used to all types of men hiring him for his services, but his last client, conservative real estate tycoon Mark Benton is his most memorable. When Mark is murdered after his liaison with Jude, hot cop Logan Vellachecco pegs Jude a suspect and Jude cannot use his charm and sensuality to sway Logan’s investigation...despite their passionate encounter. With clients cancelling en masse and Jude’s charmed life threatened, Jude recruits the only two people he trusts to prove his innocence. Follow Jude, his hot Latina maid Rosie and his flamboyant friend James from Manhattan to Chicago where they wield their inept sleuthing skills, penchant for partying and naked blackmail to clear Jude’s name." Seriously. How awesome is this?? I kind of want to read this now, as I have a feeling it is going to be WAY better than it's namesake and totally entertaining. What the original 50 Shades needed, I think, was a Hot Cop and a Sassy Maid. And who doesn't love a Flamboyant Friend character?? It's like The Hardy Boys grew up and came out! I mean, really, who didn't think Frank was gay? it's not so far-fetched. Callie Shaw? What kind of a name is that?? The name of a beard, I'd say! And blond, good-looking beefcake best friend CHET Morton?? Oooh, and remember when they would team up for those Super Mysteries with Nancy Drew and her gang and she had that drag queen girlfriend, George? I mean, it all makes so much sense now!
Amazon also very considerately gives an explicit content warning at the end of this blurb (because you might not have gotten that from the description), informing us that this book contains "HOT" explicit content. Good to know. I probably won't read it now because lukewarm explicit content is one thing but if it's hot it will probably really offend me.
The other less hilarious but equally as disturbing accidental purchase I made was after writing a little school-related parody of the genius Sometimes When We Touch. You know... Sometimes when we touch/The honesty's too much/And I have to close my eyes aaaa-yee-aand hide. My punishment for this bit of mockery was that the original gem was stuck in my head for DAYS. To combat this, I thought downloading the song and actually listening to it might cure me. Fast forward to last week, listening to music on the bus and repeatedly coming across really terrible, ballad-y 80s songs and skipping them. They all had the same album cover so I finally zoomed in and looked to see who the artist was. Dan Hill... who the hell is that?? And how did his album end up on my iPod? Dan Hill... Dan Hill... Dan... OHMYGOSH. I must have downloaded an entire Sometimes When We Touch album. Yeesh. I wonder how much I paid for that?? iTunes is going to have the best profile of me. They probably think I'm a fifty year old gay man and I'm going to start getting targeted ads for... whatever it is they market to that demographic!
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