If I had been at the mall.... I never would have realized what a bastard Sephora is!

Ooooooooh....  Sephora.  You. Are. THE DEVIL.  

I found this evil genius in my email yesterday.  How am I supposed to resist the offer of VIB Roooooouge status (for those of you that know me in real life, you realize we're going to be pronouncing it this way, right?)??  And a free, limited edition lipstick??  Come. ON!  It's like they know I've been away and they are trying to lure me back in.  Well, ok, I know that in reality everybody who spends a small fortune at Sephora probably got this but really, this is terrible, terrible timing.  Do you hear me Sephora??  TERRIBLE TIMING.  

Maybe I need to look at this another way.  Maybe I need to look at this like it's a controlling boyfriend trying to woo me back with hollow promises.  Sephora is trying to squash my new, independent lifestyle, with all my new, local loves.  It's jealous.  And a little drunk.  It's making crazy accusations about me and Lux sneaking around behind it's back.  It's not a secret, you douchebag!  I've been BLOGGING about my new experiences, for crying out loud!  I'm not hiding anything!  I'm just branching out and trying new things.  You know, maybe if you're going to get all insane and act this way we need to reconsider our relationship.  You can't just come over here, with your apologies and roooooouge status and think for a second that I'm just going to ditch my new friends and spend all my time exclusively with you.  Even if I happen to come back to the mall, there's still MAC.  And Shopper's.  I love you but you have to learn to share me!  Ugh, I can't do this anymore.  My friends are right about you.  I think we need a break.  Don't call me.  *Door slams*

I need a drink.

And this little bit of drama, ladies and gentlemen, would never have happened if I had been at the mall....

If I had been at the mall... I wouldn't have known how much fun pretend shopping is!

Yesterday was my first visit to K-Days in years.  Like, possibly since it was called Klondike Days.  Jimmy and I went for a few hours to check out stuff for kids and let me tell you, it was pretty terrific.  There is a whole section of the midway with rides for kids and less-creepy carnies than I remember from my childhood.  The midway was pricey but I figure that's to be expected.  For $20 we were able to do the bumper cars together and Jimmy did three other rides on his own.  I really do love me some bumper cars.  Not only do I get to be behind the wheel of a car again but it's a cute little bug-like car that I am allowed, nay encouraged,  to smash into anything I want!  As my parents will attest to, this was kind of my speciality back when I was allowed to drive grown-up cars.  I wonder if the wall of the Barrhead Video Update has any remnants of our infamous encounter....

Post-rides we went for a wander through the Expo Centre (is this what it's called??  I'm basing this strictly on my FB check-in so if it's called something else, please correct me!) There was an entire play area set up for kids like a small town with activities at each business.  There was a farm, a post office, an art gallery, a medical centre, a construction site, a library, a recycling centre, etc.  Each one was run by the sweetest Grandmas and Grandpas (and a few young adults) who helped the kids do things like plant potatoes, mail letters and drive tiny tractors.  My favourite part, obviously, was playing shopping at the Save-On Foods where we had a little grocery list, a basket and twenty fake dollars to spend.  We were required to find mustard and croutons (I guess we were picking up the ingredients for the world's tiniest toasted sandwiches) and then check out and pay.  So cute!  If I had been a fake Sephora, I probably wouldn't have left.  I probably would've moved onto the fake farm and spent my days "buying" make up and my nights squatting in the horse barn.  Oh my gosh, maybe I could've even gotten a job at fake Sephora!   It doesn't matter if you can't see what you're doing when your products are invisible!  I bet I'd make an awesome imaginary make up artist!

All of this pretending had both of us pretty exhausted so we very quickly cruised through the rest of the halls.  The sports exhibit had lots for kids to do, too, but less of interest to me because, well, I'd rather do pretend sports than real sports.  I did like that this area was separated from the casino by an awesome two-foot plastic picket fence that could easily have been borrowed from the kid town, which I found a little odd.  Is that even legal??  

It was on my way home that I discovered a new local fashion love.  I popped into Koutouki to get a Greek salad for supper since I was pretty sure blue cotton candy and pizza was not meeting my nutritional requirements for the day.  When I realized it was Thursday, market day, I thought I could do a little more pretend shopping while waiting for the bus.  I didn't have any cash on me so I figured I could browse a little and head home without spending any more money.  I was wrong.  Within seconds my radar had zeroed in on Cloud + Lolly.  Handmade, locally created and really fun jewellery and accessories.  Oooooooh.       Where were all those fake twenties when I needed them??  Fortunately, my ability to justify the purchase of pretty things is lot better than my driving skills.  I decided that since I had spent all day pretend shopping, it was ok to spend some money on real shopping! After a good 10 minutes of chatting, browsing and basically blocking up the entire table for other customers, I narrowed down my "wants" to two pairs of earrings (hey, one is a gift!).   Cheryl, the designer, who was lovely to chat with, by the way, offered me a deal on three pairs so obviously I had to spend another five minutes debating.  I finally settled on these three little friends:

My not-so-pretend purchase of the day!

They're all made from a bag of buttons from the antique mall, which I love.  If you're looking for something funky and unique, while still being wearable, check out Cloud + Lolly!!

Pretend shopping definitely wouldn't have happened if I had been at the mall!!

If I had been at the mall... I wouldn't have discovered my life's calling!

I got up way too early this morning to take Jimmy to the K-Days parade downtown.  I feel a little bad saying this but I didn't really expect too much.  Fortunately, I was wrong, as it was pretty cool!  I love watching marching bands.  How they march and play an instrument at the same time is fascinating to me.  I can't even march and move my arms at the same time.  It has been speculated by my physiotherapist friend that I have a mild gross motor delay, although I feel like by the time you're my age it's not so much a delay anymore as a deficit!  Anyway, there were some great floats and I especially enjoyed the  dodgy moment when it looked like the giant Kermit the Frog balloon wasn't going to make it under the streetlight wire.  I would have "hiya-ed" him and kicked him through but unfortunately I'm not allowed to use my karate outside of the Dojo!

It only took about 10 minutes for me to realize how awesome it would be to ride a float in a parade (you might not know this about me but I have a tendency to be a bit of an attention whore...).  I decided maybe a career change to something that would allow for frequent parade appearances might need to be in my future so I started a list of possible occupations.  Obviously RCMP, Edmonton Police and all branches of military are not options for me (you might not know this about me but I have a tendency to be a wee bit defiant of authority...).  Marching band has already been ruled out.  I do think I would look super cute in a kilt so possibly I could get on with the Edmonton Transit Bagpipers but I suspect there are requirements other than looking cute in a kilt, such as being able to, you know, make music with bagpipes.  Another option to consider is a First Nations Chief but I think there might be stringent qualifications for that, as well.  There was an adorable mini CN train but I know I'm not qualified to do anything with "engineer" in it's title.  Math is hard.  This leaves me with four final possibilities.  1) Farmer.  Errrr.  Next.  2) Edmonton Eskimos cheerleader.  See above re: gross motor delay.  3) Booster juice employee.  This being my first parade viewing in years, I'm not sure how often Booster Juice participates in these things and I'm also not sure that working for a random franchise will necessarily give me first dibs on all parades, so that probably won't work. 

Finally, we have... politician.  At first this was high on the list of distinct non-possibilities.  However, after paring down the list, it really is the most feasible.  Also, when I posted my parade-diva-girl dream on Facebook my good friend, Jill, said, "Somehow I can see u on a glitzy purple float with your hair and makeup did and some fancy shoes waving the queen wave hahaha I'd be in a pink dress beside you lol"  She knows 

me well and has pretty much defined exactly what I had in mind.  The MLAs and city councillors were the only people in the parade who got to ride around in convertibles, dressed up in designer clothes (as opposed to uniforms or mascot costumes) and taking themselves VERY seriously.  This is exactly what I want!  Also, think of all the pancake breakfasts!!!  Oh yeah, this is it. But I don't want one of those hard jobs where you have to make tough decisions and do budgets and have people mad at you all the time.  I think I'd like to be Minister of Parades and Pancake Breakfasts.  Would you vote for me??

If I had been at the mall... I wouldn't have learned that it is not ok to punch your friends!!

Another of my talented friends has a cool thing happening in the city this summer.  Tiny Dragons is a karate class for preschoolers with special needs that runs out of the Iseke School of Karate during the school year.  This summer, they are offering two, full week karate camps and I had the privilege of observing these classes last week.  The classes are run by three members of the Dojo, Kym Varro and her kids, Gage and Ashley.  The class was created by Kym, who has years of experience working with children with special needs.  Not only does she have experience but she's good at it, too! (Believe me, experience does not always equal talent or skill when it comes to special education!).  What I loved most about the class is that everything is broken down in a way that the kids can learn and practice, without lowering the expectations.  Everybody learned every skill and each skill built upon the last.  So by the end of the week, the kids had learned some pretty complicated moves!  I don't really know anything at all about martial arts so I'm sure "moves" isn't really the technical term.  My favourite part of the week was on Friday when they kids learned to yell "HIYA!" while chopping foam blocks.  I was kind of a big Miss Piggy fan in the 80s so I know all about yelling "hiya!" and kicking a weeny frog across the room.  However, I learned from Kym that I am not allowed to kick or punch my friends, or my mom or my baby brother.  Also not allowed to try my moves on strangers in the street.  She didn't say anything about muppets though....

The kids and adults all looked like they were having loads of fun and it was definitely fun to watch!  Classes are only 45 minutes long so long enough for the kids to get some physical activity in but not so long that they get bored or tired.  There is one more camp this summer, from August 5-9, so definitely check out Tiny Dragons if you're looking for something fun to do with your tiny people! 

If I had been at the mall... my world of beauty products would've remained so small!

As you may have already gathered, I have a slight addiction to beauty products.  Makeup, lotions, hair products, body washes, shin care, you name it, I probably own it or at least have tried it.  I watch product reviews on YouTube and read beauty blogs.  Even when they are about products I would never use or even try, I still watch/read the reviews.  I think it's still a hobby at this point but Im dangerously on the edge of diving into a full-blown problem.  Without Sephora in my life over the last four weeks I have actually been making progress on another personal challenge to use up skin, hair and body products I already own!  I have emptied a couple of shower gels, a hairspray and TWO bottles of lotion.  That's kind of a record for me!  

And then I found Lux Beauty Boutique.  Oh my. Is this what Heaven will be like??  It makes Sephora look like purgatory.  I have heard about the wonders of Lux and I think i had even been in there once before but never really had a need for it with my mall stores meeting my beauty needs.  And since I started the challenge I had thought about heading that way a few times but I knew there was no way I would be able to control myself and maintain my budget.  But I found Lux calling to me last weekend on a wander down 124th.  I didn't buy much my first visit because it was mostly new brands to me and i like to do a little research about products before I buy them.  So I came home and spent two days Googling all the bands listed on their website.  I made a list of brands I was interested in and products I wanted to try and I went back with Diana on Wednesday.  The LuxySalesgirl was really enthusiastic and loved talking products.  She gave me some good information and gave me a very logical, well thought out argument for why I should go with the Geisha Ink mascara over the Blinc mascara I had intended to buy.  And, once again, I was won over by samples.  Look at these adorable little sample bags!!  

SAMPLES!!

Sephora has never packaged my samples into tiny, cute bags!!  The only downfall, however, is that I haven't really wanted to break up the products and their sweet bags to actually try any of them!  They look so pretty on my coffee table... 

So overall, I would say Lux is kind of the high-class call girl to Sephora's $23.50 hooker.  Except for one thing... Ok, so because I can't read price tags or ingredients lists or often, even what a product IS, I take pictures on my phone and then zoom in to read what I need. Sephora is big and crowded and nobody is ever paying enough attention to me to notice.  Or maybe they are noticing and I'm just not noticing them noticing me but regardless  it isn't a big deal to busy myself in a corner looking at my phone in Sephora and nobody bothers me.  Lux is very small and uncrowded and the staff are very attentive so I didn't really feel comfortable busting out my phone and snapping pictures of things.  Which is how I ended up going home with a $15 lip balm.  It's the same reason I often leave Victoria's Secret with ill-fitting underwear; the one time I tried to take pics of the tags I felt like such a creeper I couldn't do it again!  Imagine me trying to find a quiet corner with enough lighting to take pictures of panties without the flash going off.  I'm sure my skulking around and nervousness brought me MORE attention to than had I been cool and calm and acted like it was no big thing to be capturing my lingerie purchases to my photo stream!  But I digress....

I'm not really sure how I'm going to manage future visits to Lux.  Obviously there will be future visits.  I have been known to set up a code word with a friend so that she can read me the price on something without me yelling across a store, "Hey!  How much is this??" Instead I discretely say, "Hey, 'robot'."  Or if Friend is not nearby I go over and say, "I need you to robot something for me!"  It's less obnoxious and WAY more fun to have a code word... like spies!  

One other thing... Lux is right next to the candy store, where the Necco Wafters live.  Mmmmm.... You'll notice in this picture they are already opened.  The wolves couldn't even wait long enough for the photo to be set up before busting them out! 

The wolves and their High Street purchases!

Discovering a whole new world of products right in my neighbourhood never would have happened if I had been at the mall!

If I had been at the mall.... ****************

My good buddy Diana is visiting from BC this week and after spending too much money at Lux Beauty Boutique (more on that later...) and lunch at Doan's, we did what the coolest girls in their 30s do on a hot and sunny afternoon in Edmonton.  We went for a wander around the Concordia campus.  A lot has changed since 2002, when I graduated but I am thrilled to report that the carpet stains in Tegler have not been cleaned in 11 years!  We were pretty excited to find framed composite graduation photos hung proudly on the walls for all to see... at the back of the library.  In a narrow corridor of faculty offices.  Really??  There was nowhere else they could have displayed the alumni??  Nowhere more prominent??  The hallway leading to the cafeteria is lined with a series of framed stock posters. Couldn't they have put us there??  Aaaanyway...  I obviously had to take pictures.  First, with the wolves: 

Me, Wolfgang and Puck with my graduation picture!

Second, a close up of my grad photo because I don't have any of these.  I think at the time I didn't like them, maybe?? I don't really know.  Now, pay special attention to my name below the photo.. I know you are going to want to admire how cute my hair was in those days (not) but pull yourself away and look below the head.  

A photo of my 2002 graduation photo.

G. Heselton. ASTERISK???  Is there some question as to whether or not I used performance enhancing drugs to complete my degree??  I mean, I realize it's just a psych degree and not a home run record or anything but I guarantee you; I earned it with these brains, baby!   (These brains are now questioning the use of the semicolon in that sentence.  I know it shouldn't be a comma but what then?  A colon?  Is there a steroid I can take to improve grammar??).  

Finding out I am memorialized forever in a tiny, hidden hallway of my alma mater with an asterisk next to my name never would have happened if I had been at the mall!

If I had been at the mall... I would not have OD'd on Beef Jerky!!

Did I go to Eden's Market today?  Yes.  Did I buy mouth-wateringly delicious beef jerky?  Yes.  Did I eat it all while blogging tonight?  Yes.  Am I regretting it just a little?  Not a chance! 

I definitely would not have eaten $10 worth of beef jerky in a 12 hour period if I had been at the mall!

If I had been at the mall... I wouldn't have had the opportunity to try "salmon stuff on a bagel!"

Last weekend before my spa experience I needed breakfast so, for the second time in my life, I walked into Tiramisu before it opened and had to be kicked out.  It's moments like that that I wish I had a white cane.  At least this time I just poked my head in before being noticed and told they weren't open.  Last time I sat at a table and read a menu for 5 minutes before anyone said anything to me!  Hmmm.... Tiramisu is also the restaurant where I got sauced and accidentally tipped the waiter $1.36 on a $50 bill.  Maybe they weren't actually closed?!  Maybe I'm just not allowed back??!  Actually, they've served me since so I think all is forgiven.  I don't think I have mentioned yet how wonderful this little cafe is.  The food and the coffee are really good.  I've never had a meal there that I didn't enjoy.  The service is sometimes slow but they are usually really busy  so I'm sure that's why.  The owner is a doll... the first time I ate  there was when I was gluten free and I ordered pizza.  I ate all the delicious toppings and left the crust on the plate.  The owner came over, concerned that there was something wrong with my meal.  When she discovered that there was nothing wrong with the food and the problem was with the un-classy patron before her, she asked me lots of questions about what I could eat and was very interested in what she could serve for people like me... and people that legitimately can't have gluten.  I've noticed since then that there are several GF options on the menu, which is cool.  It's also very kid-friendly, with iPads specifically for kids to play with.  There's usually lots of families in there during the day on the weekends.   I, however, prefer a Thursday evening with a bottle of wine. which leads to grossly undertipping a waiter (I DID correct my mistake before leaving) and discovering a giant metal rodent on my walk home!  (Is this considered meta or just shambles self-promotion?? I'm ok, either way, just wondering...)

Right, so nothing was open on 124th except Pure Kitchen.  I had eaten there before and had a really yummy lox and cream cheese bagel so I decided to go back.  I should have known I was in trouble when the girl at the till told the girl in the back to make "lox on a bagel" and she responded with "I don't know what that is."  I should've put a stop to all of it when girl one explained, "the salmon stuff on the bagel."  But I didn't.  I sat down and waited for my salmon stuff.  And waited.  And waited.  Aaaaaand waited.  This is when I started to worry.  My appointment time was looming and I still had no "stuff" in front of me.  Finally it came and I had 5 minutes to wolf it down.  It looked ok.  It looked like smoked salmon on a bagel.  I took one bite.  Then a second.  On bite number three I had to look... I had to know what else was going on there besides salmon stuff.  Now, I'm not 100% sure what I was seeing and tasting and I don't want to slander a small business but I THINK it was salmon, mayo and onions.  That was it.  I was done.  I wonder how that went down in the kitchen. Maybe girl one told girl two to put "white stuff" on it and I ended up with mayo instead of cream cheese.    I don't really want to think about it too much because it makes me gag a little.  And I do want to say that the last time I went there, the lox on a bagel was delicious.  And both times my coffees were great. So don't discount it completely based on my experience but maybe take it more as  a life lesson.  That  is, if  you find a restaurant employee describing your meal in a vague, unappetizing, albeit amusing, way, say something.  Change your order to something you can see in a display case like a blueberry muffin or a fruit salad.  "I'll take the beige blob with the blue spots, instead, please!"  

These sage words of advice would not be coming to you if I had been at the mall!!

If I had been at the mall... I wouldn't be known as the weird lady on my block!

Last weekend my brother and I were heading out for Slurpees because it doesn't get any more local than my neighbourhood 7-11.  I'm not kidding... every visit includes a floor show incorporating a wide variety of characters!  As we were leaving the house a kid with a wicked set of lungs starts screaming from down the street, "LEMONADE FOR SALE!"  Clearly the kid is yelling at us because there was no one else around and I don't want to be known as the mean lady up the street that pretended she couldn't hear mega-lungs hawking his juice.  Of course, they are known as the lazy kids down the block who don't put their toys away.  It will be a very hard lesson when they lose a tractor or dump truck to a hobo!  Besides, what would make a better local-shopping story than one about an entrepreneurial kid selling lemonade on a street that nobody walks down??  So we headed down their way, the kid still yelling about his lemonade, which I thought was a little strange but I guess persistence is a good thing.  When we got there I ordered to cups and then said, "Can I take your guys' picture?"  thinking I could make them famous among all six of my readers and my seven Twitter followers!!  The little kid says, "Sure!" excitedly but mega-lungs hesitates and says, "I don't knoooow..."  To which my brother immediately follows with, "NO.  You can't do that!"  I sadly put my phone away and paid for our lemonade.  I tipped them 100%, by the way. As we walked away this exchange occurred:  

Brother:  If a weird lady asked to take picture of your kids on the playground wouldn't you have a problem with that?
Me:  Welllllll... I guess so.  But I don't really consider myself to be a weird lady.
Brother:  Oh.  Well maybe you should...

And now I am known as the weird lady up the street.  It never would've happened if I'd been at the mall!